'Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when I walked in the house

The cat sat there burping, while eating the mouse;

No stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

They lay in a heap right there on the chair;

The kids were all cranky and running about,

My head was pounding and I needed to shout;

Mamma pulled her kerchief and blew really loud,

Where’d it all come from it must weigh a pound.

When out from the kitchen the there arose such a clatter,

The disposal was clogged with some unknown matter.

I jumped up and ran for the plunger you see,

The plumber would charge one hell of a fee.

The spot light outside cast a light bright as day,

You could see in the mail box all the bills yet to pay.

I looked very closely and what did I see,

A fat man in red that was rubbing his knee.

With a little more looking, you would have to agree,

A law suit was coming from the ice and the tree.

What the heck was he doing, out on such a night,

I knew that the lawyer was in for a fight.

Get bourbon! Get vodka! Get bud lite and gin,

Get whiskey, get brandy , get a big glass to put it all in.

To the sidewalk I dashed , with the glass that was full

This chubby old man I was having to fool.

I gave him the drink and got him quite drunk,

If he sues me my money will all be defunct.

He drank what I offered and wanted some more,

So we staggered on down the street off to the store.

We giggled and laughed so much that we peed,

I knew of the law suit I would soon be freed.

As we walked on I turned and what did I see,

A cop car with lights on right behind me.

She was dressed all in blue, and was wearing big boots,

I screwed up big time when I called her toots.

The handcuffs were cold as she read me my rights,

I knew I'd done wrong and that really bites.

My jail cell on Christmas was truly quite nice,

The mattress was lumpy but it did have some lice.

My eyes were all blurry and my mouth it was dry,

I felt so damn crappy I just wanted to die.

The old man wore dentures that clicked when he snored,

He farted and grunted right there on the floor.

Morning was coming from the window I saw,

I swear no more problems for me with the law.

I got home in the morning and what do I see,

That old man with reindeer just waiting for me.

“It’s been a great Christmas “he said with a smile

“Best one I’ve had in such a long while”

“You’ve been bad I know that, I’ve looked at the list.

You’ve written this poem with a very bad twist

You can't rhyme or spell right” he said right to me

“It should have been funny and filled with some glee”

He jumped in that red sleigh, and gave a smile,

I knew he would be back after awhile.

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight.

Happy Christmas my friends , and to all a Goodnight.